This week's InsideSTL articles...

Because so many of you who read this blog know love Survivor Sal more than life itself, I thought I'd direct you to my latest 12 Questions.

Also, this week, Monday's "Off My Chest" about jersey chasers. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

A man spends his vacation exploring the depths of existentialism...

First, watch this clip from The Daily Show last night.

I love the line: "a Westerner who kills an Arab for no good reason and dies without remorse..." Hilarious.

I actually really like this book; it has one of the best closing paragraphs of any book I've ever read.

"...I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up with the stars in my face. Sounds of the countryside were drifting in. Smells of night, earth, and salt air were cooling my temples. The wondrous peace of that sleeping summer flowed through me like a tide. Then, in the dark hour before dawn, sirens blasted. They were announcing departures for a world that now and forever meant nothing to me. For the first time in a long time I thought about Maman. I felt as if I understood why at the end of her life she had taken a "fiance," why she had played at beginning again. Even there, in that home where lives were fading out, evening was a kind of wistful respite. So close to death, Maman must have felt free then and ready to live it all again. Nobody, nobody had the right to cry over her. And I felt ready to live it all again too. As if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself - so like a brother, really - I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again..."

Miss Thang.

I just have to say that Norah Bridget Holzmacher is one cute baby.

Last weekend, Cheers Heavy passed out royally drunk after feasting on homemade taco dip. As he drifted off to sleep, he mumbled, "I love taco dip. And Norah."

I saw her puke chicken baby food all over her daddy tonight. What's not to love?

Enjoy some pictures of the little nugget.

Squash it.

I long for the days when people settled their beefs with a good old fashioned dance-off.

Someone trespassing on your turf? Break out the funky beats and battle on your front lawn. Someone hitting on your guy? Turn up the boombox and square off Electric Boogaloo style.

Yesterday, the Cards/Cubs rivalry brought out a certain nostalgia for the aforementioned judicial system at Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon. Even though the day's game put the series at 2-0 in favor of the Cards, that didn't stop visiting Cubs fans from attempting to grab the upperhand with their footloose feet.

Berf, Jables' and Dinner's college buddy, drove down to St. Louis to attend the series and party it up. I'm not sure whether he knew he'd be participating in a series of dance-offs throughout the course of the day, but I personally think that these impromptu contests are his secret weapon. An objective bystander wouldn't guess that Berf, who stands at approximately ten feet tall, is any sort of dancing machine. However, in his signature wife beater and Aviator sunglasses, he proved that he was indeed a force to be reckoned with.

Berf commanded a crowd right away, as he pretended to double dutch while his friend Dusty twirled an imaginary rope. As a circle of patrons closed around him, there wasn't much the white girl battling him could do. She tried to hump the floor, she tried to grind on her gal pal, she tried to shake what her mama gave her. But, to no avail.

This is when the DJ noticed the commotion taking place in the corner of the bar. He brought a portable mic over to broadcast the play-by-play over the speakers. Berf immediately earned the nickname "Iceman." However, the tables were turned when the DJ (and Cardinals fan) performed an outstanding Michael Jackson impression. I joined him in the circle for a double dose of the moonwalk. He then led me in a surprise salsa routine, which resulted in a dramatic dip and perhaps a broken back.

Injuries aside, mission complete. The dance-off was decided. And it was a clean competition.

I wish McGwire and Sosa could have popped 'n locked (rather than juiced 'n corked) their way through the homerun race of '98.

Lastly, I've always wondered how the entire high school student body can bust out a pre-choreographed dance at the prom, but now I realize some things are just instinctive. Tonight, Cards fans across the country are simultaneously doing an dance move we like to call "The Sweep." We didn't even need to practice.

12 Questions...

12 Questions is a sometimes feature on InsideSTL's Music Section. The other guy who writes for the section works for EMI records in artist development, so obviously, he has more connections in the music industry than I. Plus, he's part-owner of the website, which puts him slightly closer to the professional athlete demographic than I.

I decided to have a go at it. Here's my first 12 Questions.

Jump little children.

Today I attended a lot of district meetings at the high school, as the "official kick off" of the school year. After a nice continental breakfast, the marching band played, the cheerleaders performed the school song, and a middle school chorus sang the National Anthem. Everyone was given orange and black Mardi Gras beads. It was really a lot of hullabaloo. The best part was when the same chorus busted out a Napoleon Dynamite-esque rendition of Earth, Wind, and Fire's "Shooting Star."

Rhythmless children performing groovy dance moves while wearing neon headbands.

It's gonna be a great semester.

Good day, sunshine...

If you are old school "I'm a Walking Contradiction," you might remember my second ever blog posting in which I honored the then recently deceased Chris Penn (who played Willard, the corn-fed guy with two left feet in Footloose) with a listing of my favorite dance sequences from movies past.

Tonight, I have to add a new one to the list: the ending to Little Miss Sunshine.

I realize that it's still in the theaters, so I won't bum you out with any spoilers.

Honestly, I was laughing through my tears of sadness. It takes a special kind of person to hysterically laugh and bawl like a baby at the same time. Or maybe an insane person.

Either way, go see this flick. Now.

His future's so bright...

Samuel L. delivers a tasty treat...

Last night, we developed a lot of permutations of the Snakes on a Plane catchphrase. You know, the one that goes "I gotta get these mothafuckin' snakes off this mothafuckin' plane." Try it, it's fun.

Highlights include:

I gotta get these mothafuckin' steaks off this mothafuckin' grill.

I gotta get these mothafuckin' headphones out of my mothafuckin' bag.

I gotta get the mothafuckin' cap off this mothafuckin' bottle of beer.

I gotta get these mothafuckin' cookies out of the mothafuckin' oven.

Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

Rodney is going to be a chiropractor. The ad that he wants to use for his future practice goes something like this:

(Oh yeah, the practice will be called Honest Abe's).

Honest Abe freed the slaves. Now let him free you from back pain.

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

Have I already used that as a title for a post before? I think so. But, the revealing part is that a) changes are inevitable and b) whenever I endure a serious change in my life, I immediately think of David Bowie.

I'll direct your attention to the new blog description at the top of the page. Exhibit A suggests that a major change is taking place in my future.

What is that change, you might wonder? Tomorrow is my last day as a part-time shoe slanger, that's what.

I will be working full-time, but not getting paid, as a student teacher at a local St. Louis high school. My first week of orientations, workshops, and getting-to-know-you activities starts Monday. And then I teach America's youth.

It's simple.

And I used the word "change" a great deal in this post. My apologies. You can tell me to get a thesaurus, if you want.

That's not very thuggish...

Hollywood really baffled me yesterday. Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson split! LaLohan's big side-boob braless in a potato sack of a dress! Tucker Carlson on the next season of Dancing with the Stars!

But really got me was finding out that Tony Danza used to write Tupac letters while the rapper was in jail. Tupac, apparently, really appreciated this.

Around town...

Coming home is never easy.

What do you do when you get a bloody nose driving on the interstate from Chicago to St. Louis with no napkins or tissues? You sure as hell don't pull over. You keep going.

You drive until you're back at your grad school campus. You get out of the car, with a bloody face, crusted fingernails, and scabby nostrils. You walk to the nearest bathroom like you own the place. And you don't apologize for making the white porcelain sink red, like an impromptu watercolor your nose decided to paint.

Then you go to the library and wait for class to start. Vacation is over.

I have a flower in my hair...

I took one of those puppies from the pictures below and stuck it behind my ear. I'm on my way to San Fran baby. I'll be back sometime on Monday.

Ain't nature grand?

Vacation.

I'm leaving for San Francisco Thursday morning. Suggestions?

Click here to read my latest article on Inside STL. There will be a Ryan Adams review on Thursday in the music section.

Your life's soundtrack...

This was floating around on MySpace. Yes, I have an account. Are you surprised?

You put your iPod on shuffle and you fill in the blanks with whatever song randomly pops up. I did it once already, but I can't resist trying it out again.

If a movie was made of your life, what would the soundtrack be?

First try:

OPENING CREDITS: The Shins - New Slang
WAKING UP: U2 - All I Want is You
FALLING IN LOVE: Ray LaMontagne - Trouble
FIGHT SCENE: Pulp - Sorted for E's and Wizz
BREAKING UP: Snow Patrol - Ways and Means
MAKE UP: Max a Million - Sexual Healing (I kid you not!)
SECRET LOVE: David Gray - Made Up My Mind
LIFE'S OKAY: Wham - Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
MENTAL BREAKDOWN: Keane - Bend and Break (WTF?)
DRIVING: Aretha Franklin - The Weight
FLASHBACKS: Bright Eyes - Southern State
HAPPY DANCE: Simon and Garfunkel - Me and Julio Down by the School Yard
REGRETTING: Ryan Adams - Goodbye Honey
LONG NIGHT ALONE: Elliott Smith - Pretty (Ugly Before)
FINAL BATTLE: Sarah McLachlan - Ice Cream (apparently, I'm a total wimp!)
DEATH SCENE: Jason Collett - Feral Republic
FINAL ENDING: REM - What's the Frequency, Kenneth?
CREDITS: Howie Day - Ghost

Second try:

OPENING CREDITS: Al Green - I Can't Get Next to You
WAKING UP: Falling Martins - Distance
FALLING IN LOVE: REM - Monty Got a Raw Deal
FIGHT SCENE: Janet Jackson - Nasty
BREAKING UP: REM - Man on the Moon
MAKE UP: Lucinda Williams - Jackson
SECRET LOVE: Ryan Adams - Tina Toledo's Street Walkin' Blues
LIFE'S OKAY: Crowded House - Don't Dream it's Over
MENTAL BREAKDOWN: Kanye West - Jesus Walks (God, show me the way)
DRIVING: Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
FLASHBACKS: Spoon - Was It You?
HAPPY DANCE: Guster - All the Way up to Heaven
REGRETTING: Elvis Costello - Man Out of Time
LONG NIGHT ALONE: Jenny Lewis - Run Devil Run
FINAL BATTLE: Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody (still, a wimp)
DEATH SCENE: The Beach Boys - God Only Knows
FINAL ENDING: Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)
CREDITS: The Chipmunks - The Chipmunks Christmas Song

Won't you share yours?

After the life it's the after party...

My parents have some different views on things.

When my mom dies, she would love for her body to be placed under a tree to rot. No burial, nothing. Just rotting. If that can't happen, she wants to donate her body to a forensic science school in Tennessee. She also believes in ghosts and vampires.

Yes, vampires. That's what Salem's Lot will do to you. I just asked her the other day, "So, you believe that there are people out there who drink other people's blood? Well, of course there are freaks out there who drink human blood. But, you really think that there are people out there who don't show up in mirrors, who turn into bats, who sleep all day...and the only way to kill them is with a stake through the heart?" She turned a little red. I told her that was probably blasphemous.

My dad just wants to be cremated. He doesn't believe in ghosts. But, he thinks that maybe our pug is his deceased mother reincarnated. My Grandma Ree was terrified of storms; so is Pugsley. She would crawl under her kitchen table to wait out the thunder and lightning. Pugs gets stuck behind computer desks. My Grandma Ree was overweight. Pugs weighs more than my four year old cousin. She was and he is sweet as can be.

My dad says that if he comes home one day to see the pug smoking a cigarette, then he knows he's right.

Too much of a good thing...

Last Thursday, I walked through Union Station with my brother and cousin Karie. We made our way across the bridge over the paddle boating pond and noticed the ten million koi fish swimming around. Karie was disgusted at the number of fish in the pond.

At first I didn't see what was so gross. I, for one, am particularly amazed at how big these fish can get. I love to watch their mouths open and close when you feed them, and I think it's hilarious how they fight each other for the prize of a dog food pellet.

But, after postponed consideration, I realized she had a point. Take almost any animal (outside of cute and fuzzy puppies, kittens, etc.) and multiply it by 100, and you reach a weird gross out level. Obviously, this works for any animal that is revolting on its own, like snakes, worms, maggots, snails, etc. But, even if you take a relatively normal animal, to whom you would otherwise be indifferent, and multiply it by 100...the outcome can reach disgusting proportions.

One fly is ok. 100 is not. One monkey is ok. 100 crawling all over each other while screaming monkey curse words is not. One mouse is ok. 100 scrambling through the same maze is not. One bird is ok. 100 swarming overhead, ready to pluck your eyeballs out is not.

100 koi fish are definitely not alright with Karie. And now, I'm not sure if they are ok by me. Although I would say my multiple animal threshold, in general, is very high.

A pelvic truth...

Tonight, after a very nice dinner with my parents, Matt and I piled in the backseat to go home. He stroked my head, looked at me sincerely, and asked, "Kate, your hips don't lie...do they?"

Never.

The same small town in each of us...

This summer, on nights when I don't have to get up "early" for work, I often stay up late and download music. Yes, for free. I'm broke as a joke.

I just downloaded "The End of the Innocence" by Don Henley. Is it better than "Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby and the Range? I don't know.

I do, however, remember going with my parents to one of their friend's parties when I was 9 or 10. I watched MTV in the basement. This older kid, Gabe, walked in while "The End of the Innocence" video was on, and he commented on how hot the girl in the midriff was. He then asked me not to repeat that to anyone.

I promised that I wouldn't.

Ri-Ruv-Roo

Check out the I Love You Pug. My dad has been trying to get Pugsley to perform this trick ever since he saw Odie on Letterman. He literally repeats the phrase over and over while Pugs stares at him, confused as ever.