Dawson's Creek: Like a Virgin

Episode title: Like a Virgin
Year: 1999
TiVO synopsis: Dawson meets a young woman who brings trouble into his life; Joey may have found a new friend; Jen challenges the head cheerleader; Mitch becomes the varsity football coach.

Vocabulary Words:
-nimrod
-diatribe
-brazen
-mitigate
-excommunicate

Dawson's Movie References:
Risky Business

This is the season three premiere.

We begin on a bus back to Capeside from an undisclosed location, and as Dawson's luck would have it (compared to all of his other friends in the Creek, he does have luck...his parents are merely separated as opposed to imprisoned, loony, out of the picture, or dead), he is sitting next to a gorgeous, mysterious blonde. It's the Sweet Valley High girl! Their conversation is loaded with blatant subtext about boys becoming men via a relationship with a a fantasy woman. Dawson sweats a lot on this bus trip.

After the credits, we cut to Joey at work on the dock. She is pissy. What's new? Joey seriously needs to remove the giant stick lodged up her ass.

We find out that Jen is back to living with Grams, and gay Jack has moved in, too. Jen's hair is crimped. Gag.

We then learn that Capeside's high school mascot is the Minutemen. I have no doubt this is an intentional knock against Dawson's future devirginization.

The only black people in Capeside are the new high school principal and Joey's older sister's baby. I don't know where Bessie's baby daddy is anymore.

The cheerleaders at Capeside are bitches, man. That rebel Jen is going to try out for the squad to shake things up. The head cheerleader has gigantic nostrils. Her name is Belinda. I have never known a Belinda in real life. Have you?

Pacey takes Dawson to a strip club to get his mind off of Joey but all of the dancers have clothes on. This, apparently, is common practice in Capeside. The boys order beers with no problem. Pacey tells Dawson to just get laid already. Hallelujah, somebody said it. Turns out, their waitress is the Sweet Valley High girl from the bus. Foreshadowing, anyone? Don't get your hopes up.

Dawson's temptress has a short blonde 'do, a la Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. I don't think that's an oversight either. Dawson better watch out for the ice pick. And anyways, short hair = slut. Common knowledge. If she can't tie her hair back in a pony, she's an easy lay. This random girl shows up unexpectedly at Dawson's house, and Pacey convinces Dawson to steal (ahem...borrow) his father's boat so he can get laid on the water going 60 miles per hour.

A girl trying out for the cheerleading squad has biker shorts on, and her ass looks like a bag of socks.

Oooh - another black person! This time, a cheerleader with no lines.

Jen has sweat pits before she even tries out for the cheerleading squad. Ew. She gives a Dixie Carter in Designing Women type of rallying speech, telling off Belinda, the head cheerleader. Everyone claps. Jen is moving up in the world.

The Sweet Valley High girl won't tell Dawson her name. She is a fantasy. On the boat, she just rubs a chrome pole up and down over and over again two inches from his face, but I'm sure isn't meant to imply anything either.

As soon as we find out the slut's name is Eve, Dawson crashes his boat. He tried to steer the boat with his boner and instead, he crashed into Joey's dock. Joey really thought she knew him, but she guesses not.

In general, Jen walks like she just got off a horse. Without a kick, a herkie, or a high V, Jen becomes head cheerleader.

The boat will cost about $3000 to fix. The clothed strippers came up with $400 to help Dawson out. Golly gee.

Pacey puts a pair of Ray Bans on, a piano plays the opening chords to "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll," and I have officially entered Tom Cruise hell. They are going to throw a party to raise the money.

"Teenage boys will come. They most definitely will come."

I didn't realize Dawson's Creek was so dirty.

The party starts, and it is a total sausage fest. Joey sneaks in through the bedroom window and apologizes for going batshit, like, three hundred times. And then little Joey Potter from the Creek takes her shirt off in an attempt seduce Dawson. Not surprisingly, Dawson turns her down. Joey defends her actions: "I can be sexual Dawson!!!" Yeah, right, Joey.

Dawson's dad comes home. Dawson's going to Illinois.

Today.

I have not showered.
I have eaten lots of carbs.
I have watched way too much television.
I have not worked out.
I have not brushed my hair.
I have not spoken to anyone since around 2 PM.
I have not been outside since around 1 PM.
I have not found my remote control.
I have not changed the channel in quite awhile.
I have read a couple of tabloid magazines.
I have checked the TiVO season pass manager three times for taped episodes of Dawson's Creek.
I have finished a book about the Holocaust while watching Rock of Love.
I have had no emotional epiphanies, intellectual thoughts, or motivational bursts.
I have thought of mostly nothing, and it has been good.

"I don't wanna wait" for tomorrow's episode!

Because of the magic and wonder that is TiVO, I was recently able to add a season pass for Dawson's Creek. This is a series that I never really bothered to watch when it originally began. Somehow, I managed to get sucked in during my huge bouts of procrastination in college. Living with 60 other girls in a sorority house that boasted only one static-free, color television is another solid reason. I watched what the masses were watching. Plus, I was partially inspired to start this love affair because my boyfriend has recently watched every single episode of the O.C. courtesy of the Soap channel and his buddy, TiVO. (It takes a shit after Marissa dies...if you don't count the fact that it took a shit when the first ever credit rolled during the first ever episode).

Seriously, why not watch teen dramas commercial-free?

So far, my season pass has been serving me well. I get up in the morning around 9 or 10 AM to find that a fresh episode has been recorded for me prior to my awakening. I rub my eyes, I do a little stretch, and then I settle on our big, comfy leather couch to watch the craziness unfold among these teenagers who have a ridiculously bombastic vocabulary. (How, if Pacey is such a crap student, does he know how to use words like "invariably" and "proclivity" and "juggernaut?" I want answers!)

Last night, after a shower and a fleeting moment's contemplation of joining my friends at a bar, I decided instead to crash on the couch and catch up on my Dawson's episodes. I had been out of town since Monday afternoon, and I knew that I'd have at least three, maybe four, waiting for me.

Holy shit. In only four episodes, Dawson and Joey get back together, Joey's dad returns from the slammer, Abby Morgan, drunk and evil, drowns in the Creek, Jen goes psycho at Abby's funeral and gets her rocks off by kicking God in the balls right in front of Grams, Grams kicks aetheist Jen out of the house, Andy, under all the stress of losing Abby, a girl she wasn't even friends with, starts seeing and talking to her dead brother, Pacey and Jack save her from her own lunacy by bitchslapping her a coupla times (just kidding...I wish), Jack and Andy's dad threaten to take them all back to Providence (how ironic), Jack decides life is better for a gay in Capeside, Andy gets the hell out of dodge, Joey's father starts dealing narcotics, The Icehouse burns down, Pacey punches his sumbitch father in the face, Jen casually contemplates suicide, Joey turns her dad into the pigs, and Dawson and Joey break up.

How exhausted are you? I think I went through a whole box of Kleenex. Then again, I'm a huge loser. Love live the Creek!