The worst sequel ever made.

This evening, Jables and I became sucked in to one of the worst 80s movies that we had ever seen: Teen Wolf Too. Don't get me wrong, the original Teen Wolf is pure movie magic, but the sequel just doesn't live up to the expectations of the first's stellar soundtrack, charismatic characters, quotable quotes, and totally realistic plot. I don't mean to be a son of a bitch, but Teen Wolf Too is laughable...yet still a good enough excuse to avoid the workout that's trying to call your name. (It would be an absolutely fantastic movie to watch while hungover and behaving like a piece of shit, much like any sorority hazing movie).

Let's take this point by point.

Teen Wolf featured such memorable soundtrack gems as "Way to Go" by Mark Vieha (played during a basketball montage in which Michael J. Fox's character single-handedly dominates all other 5-man teams in typical werewolf fashion) and "Win in the End" by Mark Safan (in which Scott Howard actually acknowledges his teammates and plays the game all human-like). Teen Wolf Too does include "Send Me an Angel" by Real Life in an exhausting cramming-for-a-final scene, but that was already an 80s hit. The sequel doesn't take a unknown song and turn it into any given 25-year old's favorite memory from youth, like the first Teen Wolf totally does. Does it for you? I think not.

The sequel basically regurgitates the characters we came to know and love in the original. But, like a bad soap opera, 99% of the time a different actor plays the same character, and the producers think we're dumb enough to not notice the difference. The only returning actors are James Hampton as Harold Howard and poor Mark Holton as Chubby. Stiles is still Stiles, but now sporting a mullet and trying out a new ethnicity. Coach Finstock has apparently graduated to coaching a new sport on the college level. Nikki is the new Boof, but she doesn't hold a candle to that 7 Minutes in Heaven champion. Jason Bateman plays the new wolf. He's a definite cutie, but he's no MJF. And there's a creepy guy wearing mirrored aviators that, frankly, I just don't like.

Teen Wolf is the kind of movie that allows you to work in its hilarious quotes into everyday conversation. "GIVE ME A KEG OF BEER!" I mean, that's what Jables said just this past weekend when we were getting ready for the dojo-warming party. His eyes even glowed a creepy red color (to match his freaky black hair) to demand faster service and get a free tapper. In the original, Coach Finstock also has one of the best lines in the history of cinema: "There are three rules that I live by. Never get less than twelve hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city, and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese." IMDb doesn't even offer the "memorable quotes" link for Teen Wolf Too, so what does that tell you? I'm not able to provide you any further information.

How much of this can you take? Probably not as much as I can dish out, Mick.

Teen Wolf's sport of choice was high school level basketball. Teen Wolf Too brings us the totally believable sport of college level boxing, complete with half-naked ring girls in bikinis and stilettos. You know that is definitely backed by the NCAA. The dance sequence in Teen Wolf takes place at a high school dance to a song called "Big Bad Wolf." It basically consists of students doing a sort of line dance that looks like it came straight out of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. Nothing too crazy. The dance sequence in Teen Wolf Too not only features Jason Bateman's wolf as an acrobatic Broadway dancer, but also highlights his vocal abilities as he belts out "Do You Love Me?" His fellow students, all of them obviously classically trained dancers, shimmy, shake, pirouette, and leap around him. I'm calling bullshit. There's no way those kids can dance that well.

After all that, let me reiterate my point: Teen Wolf Too sucks. Now, quick...go rent it in preparation for Sunday afternoon's dull headache and psuedo nausea. You won't be sorry.