What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger...

In fellow blogger mjs' most recent posting, he listed a top ten of popular diseases that will surely kill us all before the strangely ominous bird flu takes its toll. Thinking I was supremely witty, I made the comment that he must have inadvertantly omitted "cat scratch fever" from his varied catalog of maladies. Then, later on, I remembered that I really have had cat scratch fever, and it's nothing to joke about.

My proof lies in a letter that I wrote to my Grandma Ree around age 7. The letter ended up in my hands after she passed away. Here is the letter, integrity upheld, no modifications made:

Dear Grandma Ree,

I have a "lymphnode" which is a knot or a bump on my leg by my groin. I have a cat scratch, a cat poked its claw in me, and mommy thinks that my bump was caused. The first day I saw it, it was little, the second day it got smaller but we didn't put any medicine on it. Today I woke up and it was huge. Mommy put orange medicine on it but first she washed it then she put peroxide on it. Then on my other knee I have a wart, mommy put some Compound W on it and it went down so now I don't have to get it burnt off like last time.

P.S. It's really big.

I found out later that my mom was actually terrified for me and thought that I might get insanely sick from the cat claw puncture wound.

The thing is, I've always suffered from the weirdest, least identifiable and diagnosable illnesses. To make matters worse, I grew up in a household where we were taught to be unreasonably tough. My mom is an RN and my dad is a superintendent. They are used to people whining, faking, exuding laziness, and abusing the system. So, my brother and I never stayed home from school, even when we were very sick. And we definitely never went to the doctor. At least not in a reasonable amount of time.

Here's a brief rundown of what's ailed me:

Broken Bones

1. I broke my arm during a failed cheerleading stunt at age 9. My parents didn't really think it was broken. Instead of taking me to the doctor, they took me bowling. I was in pain, crying, and acting like your basic poor sport. They made me finish the game. After a week, my mom poked around on my arm during my sleep. I cried out in pain. It was time to go to the doctor, and I got a hot pink cast.

2. I fell hard on my ass during a dance team practice one day. I heard a loud crack on the tiled floor. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The next day at school, I had to use a pillow to sit down at the desks. After the pain went away, I started feeling around "down there" and realized that my tailbone was awfully pointy and boney. I couldn't remember if it was always that way or not. Three years later, I had it x-rayed, and let's just say it's the most broken thing on the face of the planet. My mom said she gasped when she saw the x-ray. But, let's get serious...if you know me well enough, you've felt the alien tailbone by now.

Surgeries

1. I had my appendix removed when I was 3. Last summer, I found out it was totally unnecessary.

2. I had my wisdom teeth out two at a time. For the second set, I decided to only get a local anesthetic because I was really nervous about being totally knocked out. Big mistake. I heard roots tearing. The doctor couldn't extract my top left tooth. He smashed my face as flat as a pancake to get enough leverage to rip that thing out. Not a good experience.

3. My LASIK surgery was elective and life-changing. But, my eyes bled. Enough said.

Other Mysterious Illnesses & Injuries

1. Just last May, I had what I like to believe was a staff infection in my face during finals week and five days before I was a bridesmaid in a wedding. I had a puffy face, swollen lymphnodes, a high temperature, pussy scabs on my face, and pink eye all at once. I have never been so miserable in my life. The situation was so dire that I made Josh Malia (now Stonewater) give me bangs to hide the hideousness.

2. When I was 6 or so, I was casually walking on my family's back deck when I looked down and noticed that a huge piece of wood was lodged in my foot. I looked like I had a built-in ski. It took both parents and a set of pliers to get that tree out.

3. As mentioned in the letter to my grandma, I suffered from warts. They were mostly on my feet and my knees. I've had two or three burnt off in my lifetime. The one on the bottom of my foot got sickly infected. I seriously had an inch deep hole in my foot.

I bet you think I'm so attractive. I do have an extremely high threshold for pain. Ask the guys who shot me with a pellet gun.