If you lived here, you'd be home now...
Play by play of my Saturday, March 11, 2006 in Christopher, Illinois...
1:08 PM - Arrive at my parents' 200-yard long driveway. Try not to turn Molly and Belle, the outside dogs, into roadkill as they chase the big red toy I drive up to the house.
2:00 PM - Take a walk with the inside dog, Pugsley aka Keith, and my mom through a cemetery. Have a serious debate on whether or not the putrid odor wafting our way is a decomposing animal, a skunk, or a combination of the two.
3:15 PM - Deny my brother's request to watch a videotape of a Christopher High School basketball game against Sesser-Valier from his junior year. Apparently, the Bearcats had been defeated by the Red Devils twice in the season prior to this game. But, this game was John's time to shine.
3:36 PM - Learn that my grandma's flight home from St. Louis (previously from Ft. Lauderdale to Dallas) to Marion, Illinois is delayed. Not good news for the short-fused, weary, 82-year old solo traveler.
4:18 PM - Receive prank phone call on my cell phone from my father who is on his way to wait for the aforementioned short-fused, weary, 82-year old solo traveler at the Marion airport. Hear The Doobie Brothers' "Black Water" blaring into my phone. No words exchanged.
6:06 PM - Have a beer with my dad before we pick up the short-fused, weary, 82-year old solo traveler for her annual birthday dinner at Mary's. Prepare to kiss major ass.
6:30 PM - Bestow birthday gifts on grandma to lighten her mood. Tell her not to cry when she bursts into tears at the mere sight of her new Yankee candle.
6:35 PM - Order first glass of wine.
6:55 - Purposely avoid my brother's beady-eyed gaze as he attempts to make me laugh in the waiter's face while we all listen to the night's menu selections.
7:00 PM - Order second glass of wine. And lobster. I deserve it, damnit.
8:00 PM - Order third glass of wine.
9:35 PM - Leave dinner. Stop at the gas station across the street so my dad can buy a pack of chewing tobacco.
9:37 PM - Stop two blocks later on a side street so my dad can find the tobacco he just bought and then immediately lost.
9:45 PM - Watch my dad fiddle with the CD changer to find a song he knows. It lands on "Never Been to Spain."
9:56 PM - Drop grandma off at home. Remember to honk on the highway while she stands by her garage door and waves. And waves. And waves.
10:00 PM - Whisper to my dad that we should go have another drink. Watch him crank up the radio's volume and put the music back to the beginning of "Never Been to Spain" so we can listen to it "his way." Sing all the way to the Knights of Columbus.
10:14 PM - Say hello to all eight people sitting at the KC's. Learn that Franklin County is under a tornado watch.
10:17 PM - Ask my mom if she wants to take advantage of the $1 Sour Apple Schnapps shots.
10:30 PM - Correct my mom when she states that DuQuoin is in Randolph County. It's really in Perry County. Listen to her complain about "how she always get her counties flipped" and state her idea of renaming Perry County to "West Franklin County."
10:54 PM - Arrive home to the pug who is completely terrified of the thunder and lightning. Accidentally set off house alarm to scare him that much more. Take pictures of the dog appearing completely frazzled and laugh my head off.
11:30 PM - Watch "Millionaire" with my mom and realize where I got my competitive streak.
11:45 PM - Take Pugsley to bed with me. Fall asleep to the sound of light rain, howling dogs, and crickets.
3:30 AM - Wake up to Pugsley literally tapping me on the shoulder. He doesn't like it when I sleep on my stomach. He wants me to spoon him.
1:08 PM - Arrive at my parents' 200-yard long driveway. Try not to turn Molly and Belle, the outside dogs, into roadkill as they chase the big red toy I drive up to the house.
2:00 PM - Take a walk with the inside dog, Pugsley aka Keith, and my mom through a cemetery. Have a serious debate on whether or not the putrid odor wafting our way is a decomposing animal, a skunk, or a combination of the two.
3:15 PM - Deny my brother's request to watch a videotape of a Christopher High School basketball game against Sesser-Valier from his junior year. Apparently, the Bearcats had been defeated by the Red Devils twice in the season prior to this game. But, this game was John's time to shine.
3:36 PM - Learn that my grandma's flight home from St. Louis (previously from Ft. Lauderdale to Dallas) to Marion, Illinois is delayed. Not good news for the short-fused, weary, 82-year old solo traveler.
4:18 PM - Receive prank phone call on my cell phone from my father who is on his way to wait for the aforementioned short-fused, weary, 82-year old solo traveler at the Marion airport. Hear The Doobie Brothers' "Black Water" blaring into my phone. No words exchanged.
6:06 PM - Have a beer with my dad before we pick up the short-fused, weary, 82-year old solo traveler for her annual birthday dinner at Mary's. Prepare to kiss major ass.
6:30 PM - Bestow birthday gifts on grandma to lighten her mood. Tell her not to cry when she bursts into tears at the mere sight of her new Yankee candle.
6:35 PM - Order first glass of wine.
6:55 - Purposely avoid my brother's beady-eyed gaze as he attempts to make me laugh in the waiter's face while we all listen to the night's menu selections.
7:00 PM - Order second glass of wine. And lobster. I deserve it, damnit.
8:00 PM - Order third glass of wine.
9:35 PM - Leave dinner. Stop at the gas station across the street so my dad can buy a pack of chewing tobacco.
9:37 PM - Stop two blocks later on a side street so my dad can find the tobacco he just bought and then immediately lost.
9:45 PM - Watch my dad fiddle with the CD changer to find a song he knows. It lands on "Never Been to Spain."
9:56 PM - Drop grandma off at home. Remember to honk on the highway while she stands by her garage door and waves. And waves. And waves.
10:00 PM - Whisper to my dad that we should go have another drink. Watch him crank up the radio's volume and put the music back to the beginning of "Never Been to Spain" so we can listen to it "his way." Sing all the way to the Knights of Columbus.
10:14 PM - Say hello to all eight people sitting at the KC's. Learn that Franklin County is under a tornado watch.
10:17 PM - Ask my mom if she wants to take advantage of the $1 Sour Apple Schnapps shots.
10:30 PM - Correct my mom when she states that DuQuoin is in Randolph County. It's really in Perry County. Listen to her complain about "how she always get her counties flipped" and state her idea of renaming Perry County to "West Franklin County."
10:54 PM - Arrive home to the pug who is completely terrified of the thunder and lightning. Accidentally set off house alarm to scare him that much more. Take pictures of the dog appearing completely frazzled and laugh my head off.
11:30 PM - Watch "Millionaire" with my mom and realize where I got my competitive streak.
11:45 PM - Take Pugsley to bed with me. Fall asleep to the sound of light rain, howling dogs, and crickets.
3:30 AM - Wake up to Pugsley literally tapping me on the shoulder. He doesn't like it when I sleep on my stomach. He wants me to spoon him.
posted by quank at 3:49 PM
1 Comments:
Between his "let's get weird" comment and this story, I've gotta "get weird" this with pappa o' yours.
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